What Now Series? #5 | What If the Problem Is Not That You Want Too Much, But That You Have Stopped Asking?

Six months ago, a client began coaching with a clear goal and a defined vision of success. As time passed, his direction shifted in a meaningful but different way. What once felt certain no longer seemed fully right.

Such shifts occur more often than many realize, showing how aspirations can be fluid.

In coaching, I also meet individuals who say: “I don’t know what I want, and I’m here to discover that.”

Sometimes the problem isn’t having an ambitious goal or not knowing the goal. It’s that people have stopped asking themselves what they really want right now.

Facing career or life transitions

This experience can occur whether you’re facing a career transition, feeling disconnected after achieving a lot, or sensing that change is needed but not knowing what’s next.

At first, this can feel like a fog that hides the next step.

A deeper issue is that many have not given themselves the space or permission to clarify what outcomes they want.

When facing uncertainty or a crossroads, people often rush into action: making lists, taking courses, networking, applying for jobs, staying busy.

Task lists can help organize actions, but they do not always reveal the true purpose behind those actions.

Asking the right questions

One valuable shift is to consider asking, “What am I trying to create, and why?”, rather than : “What should I do next?”

This question can be transformative. As the desired outcome and underlying purpose become clearer, appropriate actions tend to emerge naturally.

Decision-making is rarely as rational or conscious as assumed. Choices are shaped by biases, emotions, memories, incomplete information, time, and limited resources. Even deliberate choices reflect deeper factors.

Research supports this complexity. A study highlighted by UNSW Sydney, published in Nature Human Behaviour, found that unconscious neural activity in the brain could predict a person’s choice several seconds before they became consciously aware of making it. While this does not mean we lack agency, it does suggest that our decisions and desires are not always fully transparent, even to ourselves. (Gilbert, L. (2019, March 6). Our brains reveal our choices before we’re even aware of them: Study. UNSW Sydney Newsroom. )

Rationalization can blind us to the truth. It happens both before and after decisions are made. In group contexts, this tendency may intensify through groupthink, in which conformity or the avoidance of dissent suppresses genuine reflection.

So when someone says, “I don’t know what I want,” the real issue may not be a lack of ambition, motivation, or direction. It may be due to not asking the right questions, or their inner signal may simply be buried under external noise.

External Noise

This noise comes from external expectations, ongoing responsibilities, and the persistent demands of daily life.

Underneath this noise, it can be challenging to confront some realizations, such as:

• This version of success no longer fits me.
• I want more than I have admitted.
• I am tired in a way that a holiday alone can’t solve.

Such truths rarely appear suddenly; they surface in moments of pause and reflection.

Clarity rarely comes from increased pressure or stress. It emerges from thought-provoking questions, reflection, and space to hear genuine answers.

This is where I often come back to a key idea in my work: the difference between what you have and what you want.

What you have might include a respected job, financial stability, responsibilities you’ve handled well, familiar routines, and a life that looks successful from the outside.

Conversely, what you want may be less visible yet equally significant. These may include a desire for greater meaning, creative expression, autonomy, deeper connections, a healthier pace, or a more authentic alignment with who you are now.

The tension between ‘haves’ and ‘wants’ can be uncomfortable. Many feel guilty when articulating what they want, especially when their current circumstances appear objectively positive. They may suppress dissatisfaction and remain committed to a life that no longer aligns with their changing needs.

However, recognizing this gap is neither selfish nor a failure; rather, it provides valuable information. In fact, the moment you begin to see the difference between what you have and what you want, you are no longer completely stuck. You are beginning to clarify the outcome you want to create.

Importance of Self-Reflection

Self-reflection helps us understand our motivations, question assumptions, notice evolving desires, and explore important choices through small experiments, recognizing that uncertainty and conflicting desires are normal.

What we want can change as we grow.

Sometimes the next chapter does not commence with complete certainty about the appropriate course of action.

Instead, it may begin with the question, “What am I trying to create now?”

This is often the point at which clarity emerges. Frequently, this is also where a more authentic life begins.

Here are 8 Practical Steps You Can Take

1.    Self-reflection is key:Regularly engage in introspection to understand your core values, interests, and what truly brings you satisfaction, rather than solely focusing on external markers of success. Regularly assess your knowledge and skills in areas relevant to your decisions to identify potential blind spots.
2.    Gather complete information:Before making a decision on what you want, actively seek out comprehensive information to avoid being overly confident based on limited data.
3.    Seek diverse perspectives:Engage with others who have different viewpoints or expertise to challenge your assumptions about what you want.
4.    Reflect on motivations:Consider the underlying emotional or rational reasons behind your desires to understand whether your desire to understand whether you really want what you want is influenced by external factors or temporary feelings.
5.    Acknowledge conflicting desires:Recognize that having multiple, sometimes opposing, goals is normal. Exploring these conflicts can help clarify priorities.
6.    Embrace evolution:Understand that what you want in life and career can change over time. Be open to re-evaluating your goals and making adjustments as you grow and gain new experiences.
7.    Test assumptions:If you believe you want something specific, consider low-commitment ways to “test” that desire to see if it genuinely aligns with your expectations and brings you happiness.
8.    Embrace uncertainty:Acknowledge that goals can evolve and that a steady “want” might be subject to change as new information or experiences arise.

Key takeaways:

• Self-reflection is critical for uncovering true desires and motivations.
• Distinguish between what you have and what you want.
• Clarity comes from asking better questions, not more action.
• Conflicting or evolving desires are normal and manageable.
• Practical steps include seeking diverse perspectives and testing assumptions.